Opinion |
My husband was in an accident and lost his best friend — and his leg. I’ve been by his side for everything. But what about my needs? Ask Lisi
Opinion
Based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in ÎÚÑ»´«Ã½. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
²ÏÌýI met my husband when we were teenagers. He was the sportiest guy in high school, the epitome of a ‘jock.’ But he was kind, smart and sweet to everyone. We dated on and off through college, but I always knew I’d marry him.
Right after senior year he went on holiday with some friends in Europe. They were in a tragic accident that left one dead and one without a leg. It was a mess getting them home, with the pressure of time not on our side, with hopes of saving his friend’s life and his leg. I was also away but cut my trip short and rushed home to be with him, even though we weren’t together.
I have been by his side ever since, helping him figure out his new body and dealing with the loss of his friend. The accident was in no way his fault, but he still feels the trauma. It’s been over a decade now and we’re married, with one child with another on the way. I work as a nurse; he is an entrepreneur and high school coach.
My problem is that ever since the accident, my life has been all about my husband. I love him and I love our life. But I miss myself. How can I carve out time for me, especially when I’m about to have another baby?
Losing It
´¡ÌýI strongly suggest you speak to a professional therapist now, while you’re pregnant. This person can start helping you dig inside to find out what you mean exactly, and what you want to see from yourself. Additionally, this person can then monitor you after you have the baby, so you don’t fall into any postpartum depression if things don’t change as quickly as you would like.
A newborn, as you know, is all-encompassing and extremely time consuming. Days can go by, and you miss them in the cloudy state of feeding, napping, feeding, diaper changing, feeding, napping, etc. I don’t have to tell you because you’ve already been through it. I do think you need to be more prepared, and I believe you need to steel yourself for what’s about to happen.
You can’t stop this ride, so I strongly suggest you go with it and enjoy it. There’s nothing like a newborn smell, newborn nuzzles, the tiny body scrunch, that first smile. So be prepared to lose you for a few months while simultaneously giving everything you have to this little person. Don’t fight it. And then, when you can find your rhythm, start finding yourself and allowing your me to come out.
Also, don’t leave your husband out of all of this. Bring him in so he knows how you feel. Tell him how he can help, if you know, and if you don’t know, say so. Let him try on his own.
Give yourself grace and space. And when you’re ready, find your inner light and shine.
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²ÏÌýOur neighbours moved in about three years ago. They undertook a massive renovation to their home and needed our permission to do so. We were co-operative and did everything in our power to help.
My son power washes their porch and my daughter walks their dog every day after school that she doesn’t have ballet. I work from home so am often accepting deliveries for them. We have been kind at every turn.
They recently renovated their backyard and put in a sport court. They positioned it in the worst location for neighbourly kindness. We are very upset.
Noisy Neighbours
´¡ÌýThey could have consulted you. They didn’t. If it becomes a problem, say something. If it stays a problem, stop being so kind.
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Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in
ÎÚÑ»´«Ã½. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
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