My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 15. I love this man, but he’s totally let himself go. He smokes pot, doesn’t shower and eats chips. Should I worry? Ask Lisi
And Lisi advises a letter writer who is worried that he and his wife are too different.
²ÏÌýMy boyfriend and I have been together for nine years; we met when I was 15 and he was 16. I know we’re still young, but we clearly are planning on spending the rest of our lives together. He’s finished his undergrad degree in business management and is joining in the family business. I’m not sure exactly what I want to do, but I have a Liberal Arts degree and went to esthetician’s college.
We now live together, in an apartment, and we recently got a dog. I love this man and want to be with him forever. My only issue is that he has let himself go, physically. He doesn’t always shower in the morning, when he should, because he sweats at night profusely. He smokes pot every night and munches down on anything he can find, such as chips, cookies, leftovers …. literally anything. And he has stopped going for his daily runs.
I’m concerned for his physical health, but I’m also concerned for his mental health. He’s too young to be letting himself go like this. Should I be worried?
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Not the same person
´¡ÌýYes, you should be concerned but, it’s HOW you voice your concern that will make all the difference as to how he REACTS to you. Belittling him, making rude comments and nagging — none of this will work in your favour.
Here are some hopefully positive ideas:
• If you live together, you can stock your home with healthy food.
• A new dog needs to be walked several times daily. If you share the dog, then you share the responsibility of walking that dog. “Forcing” him to walk is a soft start to his return to running.
And of course, talk to him and tell him how you feel, your worries about his health and ask him how you can support him to be a healthier person. Hopefully, he’ll hear you and something will click.
²ÏÌýMy wife is my opposite, and I’m not sure what to do. She’s anxious where I am carefree; she’s scared where I am thrilled; she’s introverted where I am extroverted. I feel as though anything I want to do, she doesn’t for a variety of reasons.
We have money. I make a very good living. I bought her a beautiful home and made it even more beautiful. I wanted to put in a pool, but she refused on the basis that it was dangerous for the children and the dogs. We have two golden retrievers who LOVE the water and two daughters in their 20s who are both very strong swimmers. Her fears are unfounded.
I gave up my dream of a pool and bought a cottage instead. She balked. I redid the cottage, and it’s the most wonderful place on earth. She slowly came around and now comes up often. But she won’t go in the river; she cried when I bought a boat, saying it was dangerous. She has never left the top deck of the house to come down to the dock.
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What is wrong with her and how can I continue like this?
Afraid of EVERYTHING
´¡ÌýYour wife does sound as though she has many, many deep-seated fears. It would behoove her to get professional help to understand what causes these fears — but for her own benefit. Not for you.
She doesn’t have to change. You two just need to accept each other’s differences, decide whether you still love each other and figure out if you can continue to live together. For example, she doesn’t have to come on the boat, but she needs to allow you to enjoy it. And you could spend some time on the deck with her. You may find it relaxing.
FEEDBACK Regarding living with teenagers (April 30):
Reader: “Forty years ago, when my daughter was a teenager, I was given a piece of advice that made all the difference in the world.
“It was simply this: ‘When dealing with a teenager, ignore the tone; respond only to the words.’
This has been my lifeline, and I hope it helps anyone and everyone.”
FEEDBACK Regarding gutted (May 1):
Reader: “Unless her relationship with her first love ended very badly or his parents openly disliked her, ‘Gutted’ should send them a note. It means the world to bereaved people when someone from their long-ago past reaches out to let them know how much their loved one was appreciated. And I can attest from several personal experiences that it really doesn’t matter how many years have gone by since the death.”
Lisi: I agree. When people are grieving, hearing from others lovingly about their loved one is very heartwarming.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in
ÎÚÑ»´«Ã½. Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
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