²ÏÌýIn the summer, my boyfriend’s parents and his grandmother, who lives with them, go back to where the grandmother is from. My boyfriend usually goes for a week and the rest of the time, he takes care of the house.
From what I’ve heard, that includes crazy parties with lots of alcohol, drugs and wild women. When I have met his friends over the course of our relationship, at some point, there is always a story relating to one crazy summer or another.
We have only been together six months, and I’m worried about what the summer has in store. I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs. In the short time we’ve been together, my boyfriend has never done anything to any wild extent. Meaning, he may have had a few drinks, or done some light drugs, but he’s never been “wasted.”
We have a lovely, sweet relationship that’s just beginning. I really like him. What should I do?
Summer Parties
´¡ÌýTalk to your boyfriend. EVERYTHING starts with communication. He can’t know how you’re feeling because he’s NOT a mind reader. Tell him of your concerns; ask him what his plans are for the summer; enlighten him on how this is playing out in your brain.
He may say anything from, “This is how I spend my summer. You’ll love it!” and completely disregard your anxieties … … or, he could say, “I was single during those summers, and we were just having fun. I like you and want to see where our relationship is going, so I’m not going to throw those types of parties.” OR ANYTHING in between those two extremes.
I can’t tell you how he’ll respond. You MUST talk to him.
(NOTE: This question came in at the beginning of the summer and I communicated with the letter writer in a timely fashion. I can only hope things went the way she had hoped.)
²ÏÌýI am gay and have been together with my male partner for nearly four decades. We’ve been legally married for half that time.
Before I met my husband, he dated his (female) high school sweetheart but continued to have sex with men in washrooms. They married, and his extramarital activities continued.
His wife knew, but they still chose to have a child. His other life activities continued (via gay bars), with his wife’s consent. This lasted a few months.
When I met him, I did not know any of this. We became an item. His wife fully approved. They split and we “officially” got together. He gave her the house and a very large monthly separation settlement.
Unfortunately, the actual divorce turned into a nasty affair. She has contributed ZERO to their child’s life for decades, and we have given that child everything. That child is now an adult going through their own marriage difficulties. We have been supportive anyway we can, emotionally, financially, whatever.
There has been no gratitude shown whatsoever and I am hurt and disgusted. I don’t want to contribute financially anymore. I am resentful and uninterested.
How do I get my husband to see that this has to stop?
No gratitude
´¡ÌýIt’s VERY obvious that your husband feels guilty for whatever hurt/damage he caused his child and is trying to make up for it any way he can. You won’t get through on your own. You need a professional to help you.
Your husband spent a lot of time hiding from his true self and now feels guilty about how that affected his child. He needs to learn how to navigate all of those emotions, so they don’t cause more damage through unhelpful actions.
You can choose to support him through this tough time, or you can walk away.
FEEDBACK Regarding the person not so opinionated (April 28):
Reader: “There is no reason he should have to entertain the views of someone if he’s not interested. In my experience, this opens the door, and his friend appears to be the type that doesn’t take no for an answer.
“No one should have to be subjected to listening to something that they don’t want to listen to. A firm ‘I don’t want to talk politics’ and change the subject is all that’s required.
“I’ve been in this position, and I’ve tried both ways. Someone who is so sure of their own opinions isn’t going to accept a door opened slightly and then shut. The door must be shut from the get-go.
“The writer doesn’t owe his friend anything more than pleasant and neutral interactions.”
Lisi: Agreed. But instead of just putting up a hand, there’s no harm in light discourse.
To join the conversation set a first and last name in your user profile.
Sign in or register for free to join the Conversation