²ÏÌýA few days ago, my wife and I had an argument. We were discussing our summer plans, we disagreed on something and it turned into a big misunderstanding. She stormed off to bed angry and was fast asleep when I came up. She left early for work the next morning, and we didn’t see each other.
Later that day, I was flying out of town for a work conference. Just before takeoff, I texted my wife I was sorry about our argument and I hoped we could talk about it soon. She replied, “Have a safe flight.â€
That was really upsetting and hurtful. What if my plane had crashed? How do I tell her a small argument isn’t worth that kind of hurtful comment?
Fight or Flight
´¡ÌýHer response does feel dismissive, I don’t disagree. Obviously, she was really upset by your fight and wasn’t ready to let go of her anger. That’s understandable. However, we don’t live in a vacuum. Meaning life still happens around us no matter what is going on in our private worlds. Had you not been getting on a flight you may not have reached out when you did. You may have waited until you both got home from work that day and talked it out.
I would have hoped she would have understood your apology was heartfelt and meaningful, that you wanted to fly away knowing there was love in her heart. But she clearly wasn’t ready to accept your apology.
When you get the chance, speak to her in person, (or FaceTime if you’re still apart), and tell her how you feel. Impress upon her your love is bigger than any small argument, apologize again and hope she can be open to discussion.
²ÏÌýMy girlfriend doesn’t want to ever have sex with me and I don’t know why. We used to be on top of each other all the time. Now she prefers to take care of herself, if you know what I mean.
I feel as though I’m no longer needed or wanted. She rarely initiates a plan and seems content to just stay home, watch TV and not talk. When I do get her out on a date we still have plenty to talk about, laugh a lot and she seems happy. But then she retreats as soon as we get back to our apartment.
I’m not sure what to do, if anything.
Pulling Away
´¡ÌýIt sounds as though your girlfriend has a lot going on she’s not sharing with you. If she’s a different person when she’s out of the house it’s as if she’s left her troubles, worries and woes at home.
Perhaps you could write her a letter explaining how you feel, from your perspective, without placing any blame. Using “I†sentences as opposed to “you†comments. “I feel unwanted, unnecessary….†As opposed to “You make me feel unwanted….†In the letter, you could request a date night to discuss your relationship and where you both want it to go, moving forward. Since she seems chattier and more open outside of the home, a discussion when you’re out sounds as though it would be more productive.
This reminds me of “Escape†(The Piña Colada Song), by Rupert Holmes. Two married people, lost in their routine, not truly seeing the love right in front of them. I hope this is what’s happening between you two and not something more.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman wondering if she should continue reaching out to old friends (March 26):
Reader: “If a group of friends or extended family who do not normally see each other through regular activities remain connected, it’s because someone takes the initiative.
“If I didn’t arrange family gatherings, my children would barely have known their first cousins after my mother died. It wasn’t that my siblings weren’t interested, they just weren’t proactive. Life is busy with children; busier with teens; and grandchildren take lots of energy. I made a conscious decision to be my family’s connector and let go of any resentment.
“The same goes for friend groups; if you enjoy meeting with your friends, accept that you’re the one with the organizational skills necessary. It all depends on how much you value the connection.
“In this woman’s case, she’s obviously the best at bringing them together. Her friends are probably grateful that someone else takes the lead. They may even assume that she’ll do it and look forward to being contacted. Friendship isn’t about the fairness of the organizing but about relationships bringing something special to our lives.â€
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